I’ll be honest; I don’t really know where I’m going with this post. I’m just starting to write and seeing where it goes. Today (Tuesday) has been one of the worst days I’ve had in the last few years.
If I had a punching bag I think it would have gotten a decent beat down. I won’t go into too many details for now, but I haven’t been too happy with some other people today, and I haven’t been too happy with myself.
I feel like I am just trying to do the best I can with the information I’ve given to work with. There’s no guidebook to follow for life’s decisions. There aren’t instructions that can prepare you for the unexpected. I’m doing my best but I’m also battling my own mind that loves to exaggerate issues.
There’s a line I love from “Father of the Bride” with Steve Martin where George Banks’ daughter Annie says to him, “I told him, ‘Why would I overreact? No one in my family overreacts!’” The look on George’s face is priceless because he knows he is the king of overreacting. My family has used that line for years talking about ourselves because we all overreact. I know I do. That’s what makes these sorts of days and predicaments much more exhausting.
Today was so emotionally draining on me. As I said in Friday’s post, none of this has been easy. I’ll admit that I’m hard on myself. Probably too hard. I overreact. I don’t like feeling helpless and confused. I try so hard to please everyone and myself, but I never seem to realize that it’s not even possible to do both. Bill Cosby has said, “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.” True words from The Coz.
I lost my job about a month ago and since then I have been scrambling. Maybe you know how it is. You don’t have a plan. I have no ill intent towards any employer or recruiter agency. I’m not out to lie or screw everyone over. I’m just trying to make the best decisions I can with the information I am given.
I fear this is coming off as me just venting and complaining. Maybe it’s coming off that way because it’s what it is. But allow me this one post to just let it out. Hope you don’t hate me for it. As much as I’ve hated today, there has been some good in it.
This morning I was so frustrated with how things were going and how I had just been talked to that I was starting to lose it. I went for a quick walk to get some air. I like that God lets me be real and angry with him. My friend Mike said one time that he feels like God lets us come up to Him and beat on His chest and take out our anger and rage until we exhaust ourselves. Then, when we’re vulnerable, He just puts his arms around us and lets us cry. And He is there holding us. I like that image a lot.
As I was exhausting myself a line kept coming to my mind. “There is a purpose for this. You have purpose.” I started saying it out loud to myself. I think you have to say things out loud for them to sink in. And you should repeat them. I started repeating that to myself through the tears. I felt like I’d let people down and like I’d let myself down, but I kept speaking to myself about purpose. This has purpose. I have purpose.
Something changed in me, and even though I might have another day like today tomorrow, I don’t think it’s for nothing. Even if I feel low again, I know that at the end of the day I am here typing this and I have survived. And that alone is something to be grateful for. And I am.
Another thing I learned today was about decisions. You know how sometimes you get in these circumstances in life and don’t know what the right decision is to make? You see options but have no clue how any of the options will actually play out. You don’t want to waste your time or choose the wrong one, but you have absolutely no clue what to do. That’s what I’m faced with right now. But right now I am feeling like sometimes the best decision we can make is merely the decision we make and stick with.
Sometimes there is no right or wrong decision. You just have to make one and stick to it. I think I’d be under a lot less stress if I just could make up my mind and stop being so fearful.
This was not the most inspiring thing I’ve ever written or the most cohesive. But whatever, today has sucked. I write to simply invite you into my life and into my struggles. To see me in my weakness and let you know that if I’m making it through then you can surely make it, too. And heck, we’re all just making this up as we go.
I’ll leave you with a clip that makes me laugh and feel better. This is Billy Crystal summing up my day for you. Specifically at :58. You can watch it here.