This one is for the guys. I’m your friend and I want to help you. Here are pieces of insight I’ve picked up along the way as I head towards marriage. Memorize them and apply them to your lives.
- Never give them your keys. They will end up lost into the abyss that they call their “purse.”
- You will end up getting a Pinterest. Just accept it. They want you to see their interests. Luckily, you will be able to show them food you want them you make you.
- When they say they don’t care where you eat, they mean they already know where they want to eat. They just want you to suggest it. And it’s usually a place that doesn’t have pictures of food on the menu that you can just point to. It’s always some menu with foreign languages and an unpronounceable wine list.
- At any point, post-argument or randomly, flowers are old school but still work really well. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate. If you can get chocolate flowers, that’s probably your best bet.
- When they are mad and stressed out, they really want you to fix it and want to hear your advice. Suggest many different reasons why they are stressed and what they need to change. Just kidding. You should just sit there and listen. Maybe give her a chocolate flower.
- A nice Friday night date usually does not include Dairy Queen. Believe me, I’ve tried. You might be able to get in a Baskin Robbins trip, but not if it’s attached to a Dunkin Donuts. There are very strict criteria when it comes to ice cream joints.
- If you aren’t good at giving massages, you had better get good at finding Groupon deals. Groupon in general is a great way to divert her attention while you finish up a level in your video game.
- Her saying “Fine” doesn’t mean she’s fine. What it really means is, “Get the F out of my face monkey boy before I beat you over the head with the bricks in my purse.”
- Her phone will always be on 10% battery life. You could have just watched the phone sit charging, and the moment she picks it up all the battery life will somehow dissipate into the sky.
- You know how the Bible says, “a thousand years are like a day to God”? Girls use that same clock. “I’m almost ready to go” means “I’m just now getting in the shower.”
Good luck, gents. And to all, please feel free to add more to the list so we can learn together.